Friday, August 26, 2011

From the Diaries... - Part 4

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled up in a paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

Love affairs: Something like Cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than five-day tests.

Dovorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake is such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water-power.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Ecstasy: A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouty.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Etc.: A sing to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell is such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into river.

Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet".

Pessimist: A person who says "O" if the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hands before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity. And I am not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

Sweater, n: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce

All women become lie their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
- Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, 1895

God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.
- Jewish Proverb

More than one mouse is mice, more than one spouse is spice! :)

People leave bosses not companies.
- Marcus Buckingham and Curt Coffman

It isn't the 100th blow that knocks a good man down. It's the 99 that went before.

If you want something you never had, do something you have never done.

To err is human, to forgive is not a company policy.

Earth provides enough to satisfy every man's need, but not every man's greed.
- Mahatma Gandhi

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does milk.

In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.

If at first you don't succeed... destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner.

42.7% of all statistics is made on the spot.

Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

You will pick up maximum wrong calls when on roaming.

All buses are crowded. Corollary: buses in opposite direction always go empty.

The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.

After a long wait for bus number 20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be crowded than the other.

If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight.

A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.

The last person to be fired or quit is responsible for all the errors until another person is fired or quits.

Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the Cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker.

Name one village out of India's 6,00,000 villages where the Dalits are permitted to stay in the center of the village. Not only are they banished to the outskirts, but in most cases, they are required to live in the south side so that the wind that blows over them doesn't pollute the village. That's the extent of discrimination they still suffer.

When the first college was set up in Madras in the late 1850s, British records show that the pass marks had to be reduced from 40 percent to 33 percent and a whole new concept of third division was introduced to help the sons of Tamil Brahmins. So, the Dalitists are asking, "If it can be done for them in the 1850s, why can't the same concession be given to the Dalits today?".

Be concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
- Dale Carnegie

Courage isn't the strength to go on, it's going on when you don't have the strength.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Doubt your doubts and believe your belief and don't doubt your belief and believe in your doubts.

Luck has a particular habit of favoring those who don't depend on it.

When the American cartoonist Ranan Lurie asked him who the best Indian cartoonist was, Laxman flashed back, "I am". "The second, third, fourth, fifth best men on the job?". Laxman continued to repeat, "I am".

You take people as far as they will go, not as far as you would like them to go.

Do you know the relationship between two eyes? They blink together, move together, cry together, see things together and sleep together but never see each other. That's what friendship is. But when a beautiful girl comes in front, one eye goes blink and the other remains open. Moral of the story: Girls can break even the best of friendships!

If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six hours sharpening my ax.
- Abraham Lincoln

A ship in port is safe, but that's not what ships are built for.
- Grace Murray Hopper

When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing, and when you meet him he will win.
- Ed Macaulay

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

The secret of happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

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